Monday, May 6, 2013

Limits

This has been the semester of realizing I have limits. Here's how it has gone down, in dialogue form:

Me: This semester is going to be so great! I'm feeling on top of the world right now. Nothing's going to stop me!
CF: Oh, you think you can go to Passion 2013, get very little sleep, skip treatments, and then NOT need IVs? False.
Me: Whatever, I can handle doing IV antibiotics while starting a new semester. No big deal. Passion was the absolute best thing for me to do this Christmas break.
CF: Handle this nausea with the IVs, why don't you?
Me: No problem.
CF: Oh, you think you can balance Sing practice, school, work, church, friends, phi lamb, and CF? Let's see how you handle the flu.
Me: Okay, that one was rough. But it's okay, God helped me through.
CF: You're STILL trying to do everything like a normal person? What's wrong with you? Maybe severe anemia will make you realize your limits.
Me: I'll drop Sing and start taking iron supplements.
CF: Ha, you think you're going to make it through the semester without another problem, but you're not. Let's throw a lung infection into the mix!
Me: Maybe I can wait until the end of the semester to start IVs...
CF: Yeah, right!
Me: Fine, I'll start IVs.
CF: And the lung exacerbation wouldn't be complete without nausea, a lung bleed, and a few port problems.
Me: (silence)
CF: Ha! Who's winning in the fight now?
Me: Me. Because no matter what happens, my God has never left my side. But maybe I can't handle everything I thought I could.
CF:...

I can't do it all, and I'm slowly realizing this as I get older. My body simply isn't capable of running 120 mph, even though I'd like it to. I'm not a normal college student. I have very real physical limits that I must acknowledge or else I'm going to run myself into the ground.

The good news? I am not trying to balance all aspects of life on my own. My God will never leave me. I love the verse in Psalms that says, "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever." Amen and amen. Even as I am realizing I can't do everything I'd like to, God is pointing me in the direction I should go and the opportunities in which I should invest my time. I am not having to figure out these aspects of my life on my own. Thank goodness, because my life would definitely be in shambles if I had to navigate my limits on my own!
However, I do need to learn to recognize what I can and cannot manage in my life. I like to stay busy, but busyness is good only to an extent. I can't sacrifice my health, my spiritual walk, or my fellowship time with friends. Acknowledging my limitations is definitely a work in progress.

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