Friday, March 11, 2016

Four years ago...

Exactly four years ago today, I began my blogging journey at Blue-Eyed Breather. I started the blog at one of the lowest times in my life. In January of 2012, I had a severe bout of depression. Between the newness of college fading away, being alone in a single dorm room for health reasons, having some trust issues stemming from high school friendships gone awry, dealing with the reality of CF in a city far from family, and then starting a new medication for digestion called Reglan that can have severe neurological side effects, my body couldn't take it anymore, and I broke down. As a fierce, independent, intelligent woman, I thought I had to push through and stay strong. I thought if I prayed hard enough, everything would return to normal. But the harder I tried to remain steady, the faster I seemed to fall. I would cry on a regular basis and not really know why (this coming from a girl who cries maybe once a month...maybe). I longed for home, and when I would leave Austin, I would be full of dread heading back to school. Finally, one Friday, I called my mom sobbing. She insisted I come home for the weekend so we could talk and figure out what was going on. We immediately stopped the Reglan after researching the drug and seeing how it can alter the chemicals in your brain and cause severe depression. Although that helped a little bit, I was far too deep in the pit to think all was fine again. People with CF (or any chronic illness) are significantly more likely than the healthy population to deal with depression at some point in life. I decided I needed to see a counselor in Waco on a regular basis to talk through the trust issues, the fear of rejection I dealt with whenever I told people about my CF, and the anxiety I had when thinking about the future with CF. I also was prescribed an anti-depressant to help my brain chemicals become balanced again. After some time, I started to feel like myself. I started to enjoy school again and want to be at Baylor. I started getting out of my comfort zone and hanging out with new friends. I started opening up to others about my struggles and not fearing their reactions. Even though those few months were some of the lowest in my life, I felt my roots in Christ grow deeper and my desire to know Him and love Him explode. Through the storm, I can say with confidence He was with me. On March 11, 2012, I decided to start a blog that would be an outlet for me to write my thoughts and experiences. I've always felt that writing is the way I best express myself, and I knew it would help me to have a place to keep my random thoughts. I also thought that this blog could reach people in some way, and maybe, just maybe, someone else could relate to me. If you've kept up with my blog, you know that I write about CF, but I also write about my journey through life as a woman, daughter, friend, sister, and student. I may have CF, but my life is certainly not defined by it, and I hope that comes across on my blog. I hope and pray this blog has touched some of you in some way and has encouraged you that you are not alone and that God loves you deeply. Thank you for a great four years, blogging community!

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