Skip to main content

Independent, brave, and strong?

People think I'm fiercely independent. People tell me I'm brave. People praise my strength and resilience, especially when they see my accessed port hanging from my chest or see me force down multiple pills at a time. However, are these qualities that people so greatly admire actually a part of my nature, or are they characteristics I've adopted because I have no other choice? Lately, I've started to think that the answer is probably the latter. Let me explain.

I've grown up with the idea that I need to be independent. I rarely accept help from people outside my family and am wary of trusting others, afraid that if I stretch out my hand for help, people will reject me. I've had a few run-ins with people I thought were friends but in actuality turned their backs on me when I needed them most. While I've forgiven them of all the hurt they caused, those experiences drove me more toward independence. I've gotten really good at handling my own problems by myself and keeping them hidden deep down. Yet the truth is, I can't live life on my own. I need God with every fiber of my being. I am wholly dependent on Him. I pray to never forget this fact. Even with God, I could still say I'm independent of other people. Notice I said, "I could". You know what is hard for me to admit? I need people, as well.  I need physical hugs and encouraging notes. I need people to help me when I'm sick and when I can't take care of simple tasks because it expends too much energy. I need people for community, not just for my own wants and desires but also because I can meet the needs of others. Am I really as independent as people think I am? Yes and no. Yes, I'm great at looking and acting independent. Yes, I am fine if I need to take care of myself or if no one else is around. No, I'm never quite as independent as I seem. No, if I've come to trust you, I'll start letting you in.  I'm beginning to learn that asking for help isn't such a bad thing. 

Now about the whole bravery thing. What is bravery, anyway? Is it the ability to put one foot in front of the other, even when the future is unknown or scary looking? Is it the skill to carry out the small things in life and to focus on what really matters, despite chaos and disaster spinning the world out of control? Is it found in the ordinary, everyday events of life? If these things are true, then I'll agree with you--I'm brave because I do what needs to be done and do not live in fear of the future. However most people tell me I'm brave because I've had more needles stuck in me than I can keep count or because I've had way more surgeries than the average 21 year old. Do I really have a choice, though? My options are to either take care of my health, even if it puts me through temporary pain, or have absolutely horrible health and let CF take over my body, which wouldn't let me enjoy life at all. If others were in my situation, I'd be willing to bet they would act the same way I do.  I'm not brave because I endure breathing treatments and hospitalizations and surgeries and stomach pains and lung aches and shots and needles and port accesses and surgeries. That's called managing CF. No, I'm not brave because of what I am put through. I'm brave because I persevere, because I try to stay positive, because I still give my best to everything I do, no matter how I'm feeling, because for the most part, CF doesn't control my life.

I could ask the same question about resiliency and strength--what in the world makes me strong? I can guarantee you I don't want to be known as strong because of what I've gone through. Similar to bravery, I am strong because I never give up and don't use CF as an excuse in my life. Even though I could easily choose the "I'm too sick to do anything" route, at this point in my life where I am healthy enough I decide to push through challenges and see where God takes me. That, dear friends, is strength. 

The way I handle my "hardships" because of CF isn't unique. I live like I do because I have to. CF has a way of making its people leery of true friends and of making CFers seem braver and stronger than the average person. Don't be fooled! If you were in my shoes, you would act the same way I do. But you're not, and I am still in my own size 5 1/2 shoes. So call me independent, strong, and brave if you want. I'm going to just keep on being me and putting one foot in front of the other, enjoying (or trying to enjoy) every step I take.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

CF Letter 2019

Dear friends and family, I hope you all are having a happy and healthy 2019! The Great Strides CF Walk is just around the corner, and we are gearing up for a great walk day! Since my last CF Walk letter, my health has had its ups and downs. Just before the CF walk last year, I got the sickest I have been in awhile and had to fight off pneumonia with the help of 4 weeks of IVs. I also had to do IV antibiotics in August and November. However, I have stayed relatively healthy in 2019, and for that, I am extremely grateful! Although I’ve had to fight off 2 colds, my body has been able to get through it without needing IV antibiotics. While I know I will need another round of IVs eventually, I am thoroughly enjoying being IV free. I credit this to the amazing CF therapies available to me, my compliance to my treatments, and all of your prayers for my health. I continue to take 30+ pills a day including enzymes to digest my food, vitamins and supplements that my body cannot absorb ...
4 comments
Read more

CF Letter 2020

Dear friends and family, It's May 2020, which means it is another CF Awareness month and another time to talk about all the amazing things happening in the CF world! This has been a very good year in the CF community. In October of 2019, Trikafta was approved by the FDA for all people with CF with at least one copy of the dF508 mutation. 90% of people with CF have at least one copy of this specific mutation. This is a HUGE deal in the CF community because it is one of a handful of drugs that addresses the underlying cause of CF and the only drug that such a huge percentage of people with CF can take. Trikafta is a total game-changer for so many, including me. I have gained stability, I require fewer IV antibiotics, I gained lung function I thought was long gone, and I feel like I can plan things in my life again. The hard work of the CF Foundation, willing researchers who continue to search for a cure and medicines that will increase quality of life, and the generous donations fr...
2 comments
Read more

Traveling abroad

In May, I will be going on a mission trip with my church to the UK. I'm so excited to be a part of this mission team!! I know that God is going to work in and through us for His glory. However, I can't say I'm not nervous about taking care of all my health stuff while I'm over there. This will be my first international trip without my parents and first time to fly with all my medical equipment by myself. Even when my band flew to Seattle in high school, my mom was a chaperone and helped me check baggage, go through security and lug all my equipment around. This time, I'll have to manage all of that on my own (of course, the other team members will be with me, but I'll be the only one intricately connected to my CF and who actually knows what all I have to bring with me on the trip). On top of that, when we went to Europe for my make a wish trip, my Vest and compressor "burned up" due tonthe voltage difference, even though we used the power converter li...
3 comments
Read more