Back to Square One

I was doing so well.

At the end of August, I read Gunnar Esiason's blog about beginning the Couch-5k program (you can read that here). It inspired me to begin the program myself. I knew that it would be hard, but I also knew that I needed to push myself to exercise more intensely to help my lungs. Ever since I got the blood clot in January, my lung function hasn't been where I wanted it to be, and exercise is a tool that is very useful in maintaining as much lung function as possible. Since I've never been able to run even a mile without stopping, I was very intimidated and knew that I might need to add my own "steps", but I was so determined to complete the program, no matter how long it took. 

The program begins with a 5 minute warm up and ends with a 5 minute cool down for every exercise. The first week, you jog a minute, walk a minute and a half for a total of 20 minutes. I breezed through the first week pretty easily. The second week, you jog a minute and a half, walk 2 minutes for a total of 21 minutes. I did that pretty easily, as well. The third week was a bit of a challenge for me. You jog a minute and a half, walk a minute and a half, jog 3 minutes, walk 3 minutes, and then the repeat the series once. Since I started running, I don't think I have ever jogged 3 minutes in a row, so that was monumental for me. I know, that doesn't sound like much, but for a CFer with pretty crappy lungs, it was a huge accomplishment when I realized I could do it. Week 4, you walk for a minute and a half, jog for 5 minutes, walk for 2 1/2 minutes, jog for 3 minutes, walk for a minute and a half, jog for 5 minutes. Let me tell you--that first day when I tried to jog for 5 minutes, it was HARD. I mean, I was coughing all over the place, and at times I had to stop to catch my breath. I was a little discouraged. The second day, my husband went with me to the gym. He took away my phone during the 5 minute jog and challenged me to keep going. He pushed me more than I thought possible, and guess what? I jogged the 5 minutes both times! I was so proud of myself. The first day of week 5, you jog for 5 minutes, walk for 3 minutes, jog for 5 minutes, walk for 3 minutes, jog for 5 minutes. While that was really challenging, I was feeling so good about my health because I have never been able to run like that before, and I was encouraged by the status of my health.

Until......

I had a lung bleed and had to stop exercising to try to stop the bleeding. Unfortunately, this snowballed big time, and by the end of the week, I was feverish, had no energy, and struggled to breathe. By Friday, I started on IVs. And that was the end of my ability to run 5 minutes without stopping.

It's been three weeks, and yesterday was my last day of IVs. I'm finally feeling less short of breath and able to exercise more and more. Today, I went back to square one. Jog a minute and a half, walk one minute. It's discouraging to have made such great progress only to be knocked back to the beginning. It's frustrating that I was doing everything in my power to stay healthy and some random blood vessel popping caused me to spiral backwards. It's heartbreaking to feel like I'm taking one step forward, two steps back with my health. 

Yet I will get back on the horse. I will go back to square one. I will rebuild. And most likely, I will have to go through this process again and again and again. It's cold and flu season, so the likelihood that I make it through without getting sick is extremely low. Who knows? Maybe I will never make it through the whole Couch-5k. Regardless, I'm going to try. 

This is cystic fibrosis. It is the constant circle of trying to make improvements to health while fighting off infection, illness, and progressive lung disease. It is emotionally and physically exhausting. But it is life, and life is worth living.